Marxism according to Groucho

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

"I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book."

"When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'."

"Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana."

"From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it."

"Humor is reason gone mad."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception."

"I sent the club a wire stating, "PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER."

"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."

"Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself."

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it."

"Those are my principles, and if you don't like them...well I have others."

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies."

"One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know."

"Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know."

"Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it."

"If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong."

"I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal."

"Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light."

"I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that."

"He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don't let that fool you. He really is an idiot."

"Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere."

"Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere."

"I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it."

"A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five."

"Whatever it is, I'm against it."

"Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while"

"Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun."

"While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery."

"Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough."

"I intend to live forever, or die trying."

"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."

"Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty."

"Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped."

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."

"Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women."

"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted."

"Room service? Send up a larger room."

"Time wounds all heels."

"If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again"

"The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?"

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally."

"I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks."

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"Do you mind if I don't smoke?"

"Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world?

Woman: Really?

Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere."

"We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own."

"I must admit, I was born at an early age. "